All I Need, I Have in Christ

Psalm 139 has been a favorite of mine since college - maybe even high school. In those years as I struggled with my identity, this Psalm reminded me that I was precious and chosen and known by God.

As life got more difficult, I clung to the truths of this Psalm even harder. The words about God writing every day of our life in his book before any came to be became particularly precious to me. It meant that all of my days, all of G's days, all of P's days were already planned. It fought the constant temptation I faced (and lets be honest, face) to believe that there's something I can do to prolong our lives - especially G's life. That illusion of control is so huge. The desire to prevent disaster, to ensure longevity, to avoid pain. This Psalm reminded me that God was in control, our lives were planned (or as my counselor would says, our lives are "on a track" - her analogy about being at an amusement park and trying to control the antique car her sister was driving - only to find that it was on a track and she could sit back and enjoy the ride instead of fight the direction it was going). Goodness, the day I learn that lesson - really learn it I a way that impacts my daily thoughts and actions - will be a freeing day indeed.

Yesterday morning I looked at this Psalm and saw what I'd never seen before. That all the things I long for, I already have in Christ.

I lost so much when G died. My partner and best friend. Being seen and intimately known. Not having to explain myself, introduce myself, unpack my history, explain my family dynamics. I lost the person who had seen he absolute best and the absolute worst in me and still loved me. I lost intimacy - not just the physical intimacy but the intimacy of being known and having nothing to hide. I lost the one who knew my stories and knew what I was about to say. Who could (most of the time) finish my sentences for me. I lost the one who knew me better than I knew myself - in a lot of ways. Who saw flaws I didn't see. Who saw gifts and celebrated them when I didn't think I had any. Who knew my expressions and exactly what they meant. Who knew the lies that dogged me and the truth I needed to hear. I lost the person who wanted to know where I was. Who checked in on me if I was late. The one who would come if I called (if he had his phone - which was rare... a constant frustration). The one who cared for me when I was sick. Who was with me during my biggest joys and most painful sorrows. The one who knew my future hopes, my current disappointments. Who could speak into my life in a unique way. Who got my jokes and knew my references. The one who shared my history, shared so many memories with me - remembered things I had forgotten. The one who was big enough to protect me. Whose love was at times fierce like a lion. Who prioritized me. Who wanted to spend time with me. Who wanted to share his heart with me. Who wanted to lead me.

I could go on and on. Losing a husband, best friend and partner is all-encompassing. Time only reveals more and more of what has been lost.

While all of those losses are real and painful, the reality is that G did none of the above perfectly. He couldn't! No one could! I felt disappointed with him. Frustrated with his weaknesses and lacks. I longed to be better known, better protected, better understood. There were times of terrible loneliness, isolation, and distance in our relationship. I felt angry at times. Wished he tried harder or was even capable of trying harder. To be really honest - there were times when I imaged remarrying someday (not after divorce but if G died) and finding the "perfect" version of a husband - who would meet all my needs and love me the way I longed to be loved. Eww. What self-centered perspective! But it's true.

I found this quote a few years ago during a hard season in our marriage and have loved it:

“I pity the married couple who expect too much from one another. It is a foolish woman who expects her husband to be to her that which only Jesus Christ Himself can be: ready to forgive, totally understanding, unendingly patient, invariably tender and loving, unfailing in every area, anticipating every need, and making more than adequate provision. Such expectations put a man under an impossible strain. The same goes for the man who expects too much from his wife.” - Ruth Bell Graham

There are things that only Jesus Christ Himself can be. And we find those in Psalm 139:

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

He knows me! He seeks me out! He studies me. Looks toward me. Knows my past.

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

I am not alone. I am seen. He knows when I am weary. When I am ready to go. He knows when and where I sit or lay. He knows when I'm up in the early morning because I can't sleep due to thoughts racing through my head.

you discern my thoughts from afar.

All of my thoughts. My memories. The things that come to mind and I have no one to share them with. My lovely thoughts. My horrible thoughts. My desires and dreams. Frustrations too. He knows every thought. So I am still known. I still have someone to share my thoughts with.

You search out my path and my lying down

and are acquainted with all my ways.

All of my ways. My habits and idiosyncasies. My expressions and the sound of my feet on the steps. The road I am on in life, the journey I've had. What is before me each day and when the day has come to a close. My favorite bed shirt, pair of socks, toothbrush, hair gel. My favorite songs and my worst habits.

Even before a word is on my tongue,

behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

My constant rehearsing of future conversations. The words that seems to spill out and I don't know where it's coming from or that it was there. The thoughts that don't ome out. The words I hold back. The words I shoud hold back and the words I should've said. He knows me well enough to complete my sentences - but with 100% accuracy!

You hem me in, behind and before,

and lay your hand upon me.

I am secure. He has put boundaries in my life. I am not alone. His hand rests upon me. He is protecting me from wandering too far away. He is keeping me in his will and guiding me into his plan.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

it is high; I cannot attain it.

This is wonderful. Everything I miss about G I still have in Christ. Perfectly. Just like I had it when G was alive. Perfectly.

Lord, help me to lean in to these truths. To cling to the truth that I have not lost intimacy and being precious and seen - I've had it in you before I was born. Help me to not try to find other things or people to be a source of what I already have in you. Help me to love the people you've put in my life or you will put in my life. Freely and overflowing because I am so completely loved and seen and known by you. Amen.