A New Direction - or at least a breadcrumb

I've spent 2.5 hours today crying and processing all that God is doing in my heart. My counselor says this is a landmark day. Like the day I went to my first wedding since G died and realized that my vows to him have been fulfilled, this is another stepping stone on the path toward the future God has for me.

I have a story to share. G's story. My story.

Our journey has been unique. Really, really unique (which seems like such a vague word to put on something so beautiful and awful). Maybe one of the answers to "Why" is that we would share it.

I keep thinking that I am having a "normal" ministry when God did not give me a "normal" story. Anyone can be trained to share the gospel or disciple others. Few, very few, have walked through 14 years of medical hell by the time they are 37. Heart transplant. Family loss. Death of a spouse. Confronting a spouse's abuse. Mental health crises. Follower of Jesus. Missionary.

So what will I do with it?

I've been running away from our story. Hiding. Hiding behind anonymity and this label "heart transplant" that doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of what we went through together.

I've been running away from memories. His cardiac arrests on Oct. 16, 2006. Those awful moments in the doctors offices. So, so much trauma. I've locked it in a box and wished it away. I've wanted to be normal, to have a normal story, to fit in. Even in the world of widows I want to be normal - not someone who walked through 14 years of pain. Whose engagement through marriage were all marked by a heart condition that was unbeatable and would take away my life partner.

So here's what I need to do:

Face it

Remember it

Read about it (our blog, etc.)

Write about it

Talk about it

Embrace it. My story is a part of me. A part of G and a part of P. But our story is even bigger than that - it's part of what God is doing in the world. It matters. He did it for a reason.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us". - 2 Corinthians 4:7