A Love That's Better than Life

My crazy heart has been all over the place this week. Absolutely shredded emotionally from grieving G's death and all that led up to it. Struggling as a mom and crying out over how hard it is to parent without G. In full-on identity crisis as I try to figure out who I am and how I fit in - everywhere - but particularly in a job that we used to "share" but I was in the support roll and now I'm thrust isn't something different.

Simultaneous, I've been blushing like a pre-teen while opening up to my friend that there's a widower, we're going to call him HW (for Handsome Widower) that I am developing some feelings for. AHHH. This is a crazy maker indeed.

I could go further into all of that, but this morning in my devotional I came across Psalm 63 which says, "Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you."

And it made me think about where my heart and emotions have been.

G's love for me was tremendous. He LOVED me. Gosh did he love me. He was an emotional man, a verbose man, a man who loved the idea of romance and being in love and many times in our relationship and marriage he had to repent of me becoming an idol. Now, he absolutely did not love me perfectly. His love in action did not always match the love he felt. And I also know I drove him crazy at times. He was a very imperfect husband (who had me, a very imperfect wife) and even with how much he loved me - it wasn't enough. His love didn't satisfy my soul. In fact, in those times when he put me above God, his love suffocated. I couldn't carry the weight of it. He couldn't "orbit" me - he needed a greater "sun" or Son really, to orbit. His love was not better than life. And now the only piece of his love that remains is the memory of it and the way it shaped me. And while I wish he was still here beside me and that we could go back to a time when he was healthy - I am glad to be alive. Losing him did not destroy all of what life is. His love was not better than life.

And now we come to HW - who in NO WAY has expressed interest in me. This is about my heart. Which is just caught by him in a way I can't explain and didn't anticipate. I barely know him. But from what I can tell, he's really different than G - no surprise there! But specifically, he doesn't seem like a man who would be a romantic. One who would gush on and on about his feelings or one that would be likely to throw his heart onto his sleeve. He seems like a man who shows his love in acts of service (which is super refreshing! that's my love language). So IF and it's a huge IF because there's absolutely been no show of interest from him - if I would someday have a relationship with him or someone else - either HW or mystery man's love would also not be better than life. It would be the love of another imperfect man, trying to love me, an imperfect woman. It wouldn't save me. It wouldn't fix me. It wouldn't answer the question of who I am, give me an identity, imbue my life with meaning and purpose. No - it would be a partner to love God and each other and our children with together - while having to heap grace upon grace on each other.

Because Jesus is the one whose steadfast love is better than life. His love and presence is what makes Heaven to be Heaven! Heaven is better than this life simply because Jesus is there. The fullness of his presence is there with no more divide.

G is experiencing that now. The love that his heart and soul craved. The love that is indeed better than life. He doesn't miss my imperfect love. My VERY imperfect love. He is filled to overflowing with experiencing the love of Christ.

And THAT is ultimately what my soul craves. G couldn't meet that craving - I learned that in hard ways at times through marriage. But he loved me and I loved him. HW or Mysetery Man of the Future (Let's call him MMF from now on) can't meet it either.

Lord - help me look to you for the love that is better than life! Help me love imperfect people because I am filled with your perfect, overflowing love. Amen