We

We.

It implies so much. Being a part of a unit. Belonging with someone else. Sharing a life. Sharing decisions. Sharing traditions. Being identified with another person.

I notice that word now. I hear myself say it - and realize at the same time that I'm not a "we" anymore.

I hear friends say it and it makes my heart ache - because they are still "we"s and I am just a me.

So much taken for granted in "we". That "we" will continue. That "we" is secure and unchanging. That "we" would suddenly become me.

"We's" have traditions - but I have a new journey. My traditions are too painful to face these days. "We" have someone who is a built in companion. My companion is my son - but it's a different and temporary companionship - one that lessens over the years instead of increases.

I have to work to not be jealous of the "we". Because jealousy becomes bitterness and isolation. Jealousy tells God that I don't trust him and that I haven't been treated fairly. Jealousy says he was kind to those who are still "we" but not kind to me. It ranks our experiences and whispers lies that being a "we" fulfills (it doesn't) and being a "me" can't (that's not necessarily true either).

I tried to celebrate my friend's "we" comment today. I forced myself to respond positively - to be encouraging and happy for her in my response. My heart wasn't there but I'm hoping my heart can follow. That I can be happy for her and sad for me and trusting God's plans - all at the same time.