5th Wheel on Vacation

We're at our favorite beach in OBX this week with G's brothers.

I knew it was going to be a mix of fun and hard, but it's different than I expected. I expected the hard part to be being here, in a place we've been twice before with G, without him. And that is definitely hard. The last two days were brutal emotionally, bringing up new memories and fresh grief. Yesterday was one of those days when I felt like I couldn't go on. I did all the things but inside I wondered what the point is to carrying on when its so hard.

This morning (possibly because I had a good sleep last night) I woke up feeling less desperate. But today my 5th wheel status has hit. Watching UT and ME play keep-it-up in the pool (mine and G's favorite). Watching them play with P in the pool. When they went on a walk together down the beach holding hands. The fact that they are cooking together right now.

It's me and P but that's totally different. I have a child, a responsibility, someone to care for. But no partner. No inside jokes. No stories to tell. A heap of loss. Continual moments where memories swim through my mind and I just stuff them down.

I also thought we'd do more grieving together. But like every other situation, it's like people want to talk about the fun things, the happy memories, and not the loss. I thought it would be different with G's brothers. But it's really weird seeing how their lives have continued on without him. To realize once again that just one part of their lives are missing but mine has been ripped in half.

I'm a mom with a son on a couples vacation. That's what it feels like.

There's a new level of not fitting in that I'm experiencing. And also realizing that without P this trip would not make sense at all. P is what we hold in common now. It was G and P. Now it's just P. I'm not sure where I fit.