14 Years

Today marks our 14th anniversary. G isn't here but I still feel married to him in my heart. I wear my rings and cannot imagine taking them off- though I know at some point I probably "should". I wonder if people who know G died look at my rings and wonder why I still have them on.

In January 2020, we went on our "third" honeymoon - to celebrate 10 years of married - at 12.5 years. We've been behind on our celebrations but since we were married we've saved $50/mo so that every 5 years we had $3,000 saved and could take a luxurious trip together.

We honeymooned in St. Martin. We second honeymoon in St. Thomas & St. John and we third honeymooned there too.

I remember eating our fancy dinner at the restaurant overlooking the incredible turquoise water of our resort and making plans for the future. We absolutely loved our spot - Secret Harbor Beach Resort - and talked about returning again. We also talked about going back to St. Martin and finally taking that trip to Hawaii that G especially always dreamed of. We planned to come back to Secret Harbor one day with P when he was old enough to enjoy and appreciate it - to show him a spot that was so meaningful to us and to give him a taste of Caribbean waters.

We talked about prioritizing these trips. And prioritizing fun at home together. More dates and more experiences. Less worry about spending money because what's the use of saving so diligently and not enjoying it with each other?

We came home and in February we went to a Shane & Shane worship night. I was recovering from being sick but with a huge stock of cough drops and water, we went anyway. It was a wonderful night. My Valentine's Day gift to G. He cried as he experienced the healing of those worship songs that night. I do remember he was too tired to stand like other people so we sat almost the whole time. A sign of things to come I suppose.

Then the pandemic hit and our plans to continue having experiences with each other ground to a halt. But we did family walks almost every day and it was a chance to hold hands and talk with P biking ahead. G would find lush patches of grass and take his flip flops off and stand in it, savoring the feeling. A couple times we got caught in the rain or storm. G took longer walks than he had in years - determined to LIVE more fully. On Mother's Day 2020 he even agreed to walk to a patch of woods nearby. He hadn't been in the woods for years - but woods were deeply important to him. I remember the sun slanting through the trees on his face as he looked up at the height of those trees and tears streamed down his cheeks. A moment of healing.

Then for Father's Day we gave him a chiminea and special wood and he had the best time with it. Roasting marshmallows, doing s'mores (for P - G never ate them), sitting and just looking at it and listening. Learning about the different types of wood (go hickory!) and what would make the nicest scent and keep bugs away.

I remember when he tried out P's scooter that P got for his birthday because P was scared of it - then after 5 glorious seconds, hit a big crack and crashed to the ground. So much for proving that scooters are safe!!

We brought his bike down from PA and he tried it out, but that as too much for him physically. We sold it - and the electric grill I gave him the previous year or two that definitely didn't get food hot enough to be safe! We cleaned up the porch, bought little tables of mosaic tile that he loved, and sat out there doing the "Question Book" and drinking drinks and talking about life. We spent P's rest time napping together while holding hands, or watching one of our shows, or playing Canasta or Agricola.

We bought board games that we could play with P - Settlers of Catan Jr, Uno Flip, Ticket to Ride Jr., and taught P one of our favorites - Trigon.

We took turns putting P to bed at night and G and P read G's favorite abbreviated childhood classics - Swiss Family Robinson and 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea and Robin Hood.

We started ordering or Chinese takeout on Saturday nights earlier in the evening so P could enjoy fried rice and beef and broccoli with us. We spent much less time watching tv shows at night (no new content was coming out anyway!) and we spent more time reading together in the living room.

I can't remember what we did for our anniversary last year. Probably Cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory is my guess! Whatever it was, it would've been with P since we were still home-bound due to COVID.

All that time we dreamed of things getting back to normal and doing those dates and experiences we had planned. I have a stack of gift cards that I gave G in fact - movie gift card for the two of us to go on a date (he LOVED movie theaters) and a bowling gift card for him and P to have boys time because they both loved bowling. Of course they were never used due to the pandemic and still are right where I put them the day G opened them.

As I reflect back on all of this, I realize that 2020 was such a gift. We had more time together than we'd ever had. We made special memories. We bonded as a family. G and P especially became so close. That closeness makes the absence harder, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

God was kind to give us so many sweet memories together before we had to say goodbye.

So now it's 2021 and it's our anniversary and G isn't here. I think I'm going to take P to the pool and to get ice cream. I can't celebrate my anniversary the way I would if G was here, but our marriage of 13.5 years is worth celebrating. So we're going to take some time today to enjoy life (as G would want us to and was so good at - so much better than me) and have some fun. G would be proud. He loved when I stopped being so uptight and scheduled and structured and just enjoyed life :)

Happy Anniversary Baby. I love you - always have, always will.